Reading: School Related (Doubt)

 Cross Posted at AT

Deck: Thoth
Spread: Corrine Kenner's Secrets, Lies, and Promises
1-The Situation; 2-A Secret - something I don't know; 3-A Lie - something I believe, but which isn't true; 4-A Promise - the Universe's Promise to Me.

Question/Concern: I am retaking a course that I had to withdraw from 3 years ago due to stress (I was taking 19 quarter credits AND 15 semester credits at the same time - two colleges AND working). My confidence level in programming (C++) is pretty low to begin with, but this course is one of the most difficult courses I have ever had. It is an advanced course and is on a level that makes me very uncomfortable and definitely raises all my doubts. To add to the stress, this is The Last Class I need for my degree. The concern/question I had was what should I be aware of in order to be successful in this course?

Cards/Positions:

1-Situation-5 of Disks "Worry" This was a no brainer. The turmoil of this card mirrors the turmoil in both my head and my gut. The fiery burning of doubt that manifests as gastrointestinal problems. The darkness of doubt which manifests as depression and low-self worth.

2-A Secret - VIII Adjustment - I was immediately drawn to the cool and calm colors of this card. The introspection and the control of the central figure. I instinctively took this card and placed it on top of the 5 of Disks. Hiding it from view. From the Book of Thoth: Balance against each thought its exact opposite! For the Marriage of these is the Annihilation of Illusion. The Secret is that darkness and worry can be met with light and hope. By meeting the problem head on, I can work past the real (and probably imagined) issues I face.

3-A Lie - Prince of Swords - Air of Air - knowledge, conceit, build with one hand; tear down with the other. This card raised some doubts in me. At first, I thought perhaps it was referring to the professor. He is really quite a conceited fellow - the kind who *is* very knowledgeable, yet is not very kind when dealing with those who struggle. But then, I looked at the position and thought that perhaps the Lie is more personal. Perhaps the Lie is me thinking I can do this. I drew a card to clarify and drew the Magus. Gee. That helped.

At this point, I am more at a lost. I am stumbling at this position. Is it ME lying to my self about being able to succeed in this field? Am I just fooling myself?

4 - A Promise - The Emperor - Structure and Discipline. These are the things that will help me get through this class. That and confidence. Though, not explicit in the card meaning, it is definite that the Emperor exudes confidence. He would have to in order to maintain order and discipline in his life and kingdom. I feel this card tells me that I will be able to draw on the strength of the Emperor as I work through this course.

Summary: The underlying problem is worry. If I meet it head on, I can dispel the lies that arise from constant worry. Even though it may be that I am not suited for this field (computer/electrical engineering tech), I can summon the discipline to be successful.