Ouch

Today has been a strange day.  Not in a nice way, but tense and unpleasant.  It started out well enough, but then I started working on studying for the FE exam (fundamentals of engineering), which got me in a right state.  My concentration is Computer Engineering Technology so, like most Computer and Electrical Engineers, have had NO course work in statics, thermodynamics, etc., etc., etc.  It wasn't pretty.  I do expect to fail the exam, though I would like to not fail it miserably.  I have less than 3 weeks to go.

Then I decided to just take a quick look at the most troublesome component of my senior design project.  Huge mistake.  I am one of those people who get lost in the work - to the point where if somebody/something doesn't break my concentration, I will just stay there forever.   It didn't go well, and finally the dogs were like, "HEY!!! IT is sunny out, take us out, take us out, TAKE US OUT!!!"  I need to be nudged out of concentration like that, not dropped kick, so I came out mad.  

We went out and I knew I needed to step away from that project, I wasn't supposed to deal with it at all this weekend.  I did some gardening in the front where the dogs are. The oldest decides he doesn't want to be outside in the nice sunny weather and is throwing (yes throwing) himself at the door.  He is obviously stressed (he has "issues"), but I try to engage him to get him comfortable.  

Unfortunately, I am still in a bit of a state, and he can tell.  It goes from bad to worse and I finally just pack it in and we all go in.  He runs straight to his kennel and hides.  I give them their Kongs to play with and he comes and get his, but straight back to this kennel.  He is scared and uncomfortable.  And it is my fault. 

Long winded, aren't I?  So here I am in the office and I decide to draw a card from the closest deck I can reach (Tarot of the Secret Forest).  I shuffle and out pops a card before I can draw:

XV - Devil.

Gee.  

If you have ever seen the TOSF Devil, you can imagine how I felt as I looked at MYSELF as that fearsome bug, with its barbs and stinger, and look of viciousness.  It popped out on the dark side and that is even more dismal.  

Once again, this deck has nailed it.  And has also given me something to think about.  I created this tension today. I knew better, but I didn't stop.  I knew I was frustrated and I know that I can turn into a surly bitch.   This card should serve as a reminder for the future.   

Just a Quickie

(reading that is!)

Using my Tarot of the Secret Forest - I drew three cards:

4 of Cups (Mind)
10 of Wands (Body)
Queen of Wands (Spirit)

Initial impressions are those of warmth - given the reddish hues of the wands.  All cards are color side up - which doesn't happen frequently!

4 of Cups - to me this card is the "ghost card."  For this deck anyway! I always see a bit of a ghost in the card - The card shows what could be an idyllic scene - except for that ghost - that nagging sense of something is wrong - the doom and gloom.  Pooh's little black rain cloud.  Which fits for my current mental state.  The sense of impending doom comes from the threat of lay-off for my husband.  We were struggling for so long - he got a job, then he got a GREAT job.  Now, there is possibility of lay-offs in April.   But what has that to do with a "cuppy" thing?  Well, I feel a lot of resentment towards my husband.  He spent nearly 2 years without a job - feeling sorry for himself and sucking our finances dry with beer & cigarettes. He incurred debt that is like a rock on my shoulders. I am in school and I work.  Four years ago, he promised that he would work so I could concentrate on school.

My that felt good to get that out.

10 of Wands - this is a tired old turtle carrying the weight of the world on his shell.  He carries along his own food and camouflage.   An old turtle should just sink in the mud and let the reeds grow from the earth.   Physically, I am showing the outward signs of stress.  It is taking its toll and this old turtle just wants to sink in the mud.

Queen of Wands - What a beautiful card! She looks relaxed and confident.  Everything around her is rich and vibrant.  Either I am getting a nudge that I should emulate this queen or I am getting a tip for having some of her qualities.  Honestly, even though I am stressed and worried, I am positive.  Maybe not about specific things, but GENERALLY.  I know that in the long run, it will be fine.  In the words of my late husband, "They can run you into the ground, heck, they can even kill you, but they can't kill and eat you!"  A great man.

All in all this little spread was kind of a reinforcement of what is going on.  It does bring to the surface the resentment.

Flipped over, the cards tell a slightly different story.  There is no ghost, but the idyllic castle and creek are fuzzy and distant.  The turtle is is devoid of color and even looks as if he has sunken beneath the surface.  The queen looks a bit tired and disconnected.   Without the vibrancy of the red queen, the whole reading looses its luster and becomes dismal.  Something to consider.